Wednesday, 25 September 2013

Life & A Necessary Death

(FYI: Long Post on my Life etc... you may get bored or ya may relate, skip down to the strange documentary/thing I watched a few days ago if you don't wanna read about life)

I have not posted in quite sometime...nearly three weeks :( and it's not because I haven't wanted to post, I have tons of new posts lined up and ready to go, I just have been in a life rut. Or rather going through some changes and transitions, the kind that make you wanna sleep all day and watch hours of Netflix all night. I've been living and going to school in Ireland for 2 years. And very soon I will have to move back home in the States. It is all very bittersweet. I'll be moving back home, won't have a solid job (I'll be working with my dad for awhile) I still have to learn to drive and I just really need to get the ball moving on LIFE. I've always felt my life hasn't started yet, which is silly, but I think a lot of people my age (25) feels this way these days. Life hasn't started, but the fact of the matter is life has been happening regardless of my own opinion and it all comes down to the choices I've made for myself and how I've chosen to look at how life "works." It's hard to live day by day and for the moment when you have a "plan." I've always had a hard time balancing out focused goals with "life" (the fun stuff). I'm too hardcore and then I burn myself out. I guess it's because I'm so afraid of losing all I dream about. My dreams are like a prison at times and I need to be a more go with the flow while still following a plan type of person. Tone it down, but still get things done. And not: bust my ass, obsess (even if it's only mentally) and then put myself in an anxiety filled depression burn out session. I've gotten better about this over the years but I still hate hate hate transitions. They are always the moments when you make or break it. I need patience and peace. 

So, aside from dealing with some major changes and trying to kick myself into gear while also attempting not to are some other things that have been going on/preventing successful blogging: 1) after I finished my thesis my arm swelled up and was very painful for about 2 weeks: damn you carpal tunnel!!! That stuff is serious and painful. It was torture staying away from the computer that long and from time to time my hand still feels the twinges of carpal tunnel and I have to just stop because I don't want it to get as painful as it did. That's what I get for writing 15,000 - 20,000 words in 3 days. (Dumb idea, don't do it). 

2) I had to purge my beauty stash because I can't take it all with me when I go back to the States! A few friends definitely benefitted from my obsession. All those beautiful nail varnishes and lipsticks.... I miss them! Oh well, I guess I'll get to have fun building a new collection, but I sure will miss taking advantage of Catrice products and the better selection of Rimmel products over here. Ok, that's all I got on life for now onto the most disturbing yet brilliant thing I've seen in a long time:

Oh the joys of Netflix marathons....

For a couple of nights in a row I had been watching tons of documentaries, one right after the other, sometimes searching for a half hour or so for something and sometimes letting Neflix itself influence my decisions with its constant recommendations. I had finally finished all the fun Home Birth documentaries (why am I watching stuff about home births, pregnancy and babies in general? I'm certainly not pregnant but I love watching stuff about medicine especially all the rules and regulations and relationships with insurance companies. I also hate hospitals and the idea of doctors and nurses being in control of a pregnant woman when we've been giving birth without all the medical technology we have today for ages.) Ricki Lake's The Business of Being Born and subsequent series is pretty enlightening and amazing. I recommended it to all women regardless of whether you'd prefer a home birth or just let docs at the hospital take care of things. You won't be bored and will learn some priceless information. Anyway, I watched lots of that stuff, then watched something about foster care and then jumped into "death" starting with a documentary called "The End" which documents the "deaths" of five people with terminal illness. A very telling documentary and moving. It's interesting how both the person dying and their families handle things. You will be in tears. So.... After torturing myself I decided to take the easy route and let Netflix decide my fate with the "documentary" A Necessary Death. Note: This is under the documentary category and this is the description Netflix offers: Director Daniel Stamm's feature tells the story of a documentarian following the final days of a young man who's decided to end his own life.

Fine, great, wonderful: I take from this description that this is a documentary about a documentarian documenting a suicidal person and his potential suicide. I didn't read about it any further, no IMDB or wikipedia etc... I just started watching. If you may want to watch this and not want to know what happens in any capacity, READ NO FURTHER, SPOILERS!!!

Anyway, so this guy wants to do his final project for school on someone planning to commit suicide, following and filming the person in their last days and their impending suicide. The idea is kind of sick in general but would "break down boundaries." The filmmaker and crew grapple with all the moral and practical implications but ultimately decide to do it. Although the school itself will not fund the project, the guy decides to fund it himself and pretty much has everything riding on it. You as an audience member are provoked by all the moral implications the crew is. You see the rise and fall of everything and even at some point wonder if you're not the sick fuck for watching everything that unfolds. And even to the can't help but ask yourself, "What the hell is wrong with me why am I watching this?" You see the build up of something possibly extraordinary and the break down of a filmmaker, the person wanting to kill himself, and everyone else involved. And then after an emotional roller-coaster of "is he gonna do it or not" the day comes where the end is met and it's the shot (s) heard around the world and you have then convinced yourself that you are a horrible person and going to hell for watching this. You just watched a guy kill his friend and himself. What the fuck is wrong with you? And then after the shock has worn off, you start thinking "Netflix is really making this available? How is this possible? Why would they show "real" suicide/ homicide?" Something tells you to look at comments of other people and finally do a little research. It's a fiction! It's not real. I was so angry. Angry, relieved, amazed at what the director of this film, Daniel Stamm, accomplished. Maybe it was because I was watching this at 4am that I didn't catch on, but I have never felt so invested and moved by characters in a film or affected by the subject matter. Is it genius, disturbing, or ridiculous? Maybe all three. But any film that can make you cry, worry, convince yourself you're a bad person for watching well, worth watching. So, if you can stomach nearly 2 hours of putting your mind in a dark place, watch this. And then think about it. 

This is about all I got for now on this... I hope I didn't bore anyone to death. Feel free to comment. :) I'll have more regular posts coming soon! Lots of good stuff. 

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